Travel tip: always have an address for where you staying when you enter a country. An address like “London” is not good enough. Otherwise the nice-looking lady will say ominous things like “It’s a legal requirement,” and you suddenly realise you don’t have any contact details for Solomon (who, in this hypothetical situation, you’re staying with) and unless some small miracle happens, you’re on the next flight home (probably via Kiev) sitting next to Mrs Kolapovsky whose personal boundaries are, let’s say, a little fluid…

Seguir leyendo ‘England…the first 3 days’

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Seguir leyendo ‘Designated Driver’

I leave for the UK on Friday. Here’s my (provisional) itinerary:

• Aug 4, leave Joburg. Arrive 7am Heathrow on Aug 5
• Aug 5, pm. Heather B’s birthday braai
• 5th - 8th, London with Solomon Magura
• 9th - 13th, Soul Survivor with Sol (Bath, I think?)
• 14th - 20th, London with Sol
• 21th - 24th, Sidmouth with Heath S for Lyndi’s 21st (hooray! The reason for going! Thanks Lynd!)
• 24th, pm, back in London (Sol)
• 25th - 28th, Greenbelt Arts Festival with Sol
• 28th, pm, back in London (Sol)
• 29-30th, London (Sol)
• 31st, back in SA

I’m hoping to see the following people (aside from the above):

• Duane and Dawn Codrington
• Steve Griffiths
• Johnny Baker and Andrew Jones (tallskinnykiwi) at Greenbelt

And yes, buying a few random things for people…cherry coke, I think?!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f**in number!” And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the “wrong” number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘jackass’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re a jackass!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘jackass’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a jackass!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first jackass (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW jackass, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is”, he said.
“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?”
“Don, you’re a jackass!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called jackass #1.

“Hello.”
“You’re a jackass!” I said, but I didn’t hang up.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Jackass, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don, and you’d better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, jackass,” and hung up.
Then I called jackass #2.

“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, jackass,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick you’re a###,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, jackass, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

I spent last Sunday at Nieu Communities in Pretoria and then Tuesday with a group from the States at the Apartheid Museum and Soweto (here are my reflections). My podcast interview with the Red Herring about the emerging church in South Africa has come out (I haven’t listened to it yet but I don’t think I really had much significant to say…and I’m alongside some well-known people from elsewhere in the world!). I’ve been re-designing the TomorrowGroup sites for our showcase 2 weeks ago, having a few cello lessons (and playing it for the first time in public!) and trying to keep martial arts up.

There’s been much frustration with Windows PC’s (enough crashes and not getting projectors to work and not playing movies properly) to tell me that even if I wasn’t an avid Mac fan I’d have made the switch right now just to get away from this stupidity (my Dad’s computer yesterday decided to lock him out of Windows and my friend Eugene lost all his Reason songs after reformatting last night).

Heather has resigned at her church in Maritzburg and dealing with all of the fall-out there. Lyndi broke up with Sean and is loving life (!). She may come back to SA at the end of the year; Heath’s going to visit her in August for her 21st (and I’d love to go too!).

Life seems to be going by too fast right now and finding space to breathe is difficult. But hey, I’m off the little white pills and things seem to be looking up.

Probably not the real ones but good for a laugh anyway!

Seguir leyendo ‘Darwin Awards 2006′

I’m still recovering from East London last week. That, and grading last night at kung fu - all of our exercises we did in sets of 50, so random muscles are tightening up today. The random links for today (so I can kick them out of my browser) are:

16 different ways to tie your shoelaces
The Pope gets an iPod! (and hopefully I’ll get mine when my Dad returns from Hong Kong either tomorrow or next week)
Mmm.tea
How to Learn About Business Without Spending a Fortune: The Personal MBA

Mandarin links (yes, sometime I want to learn it)
Gaijin
How do I learn Chinese?
Wikipedia - Standard Mandarin
The Chinese alphabet
Hello-Han
343 days to go

Chasing the Australian target of 434, SA were at one stage 135 for 9 in the 49th over. Chuck Norris, batting at number 10, then hit 300 off the last 4 balls to claim victory for SA. He then roundhouse kicked Ricky Ponting in the face at the post match presentation to show his dissatisfaction with the challenge the Australians set. He then ate Herschelle Gibbs. He then turned off all the lights in Cape Town to celebrate.

Technorati Tags: Australia, Chuck Norris, cricket, South Africa

Today was a day of the impossible and of things that shouldn’t have happened. Before we get into them, let’s set the scene.

World Cup 2000: Alan Donald makes an atrocious call and runs out Lance Klusener who very nearly single-handedly got us through to the final on his batting strength alone. This means that the match is a draw and Australia go through. It is a scene which will make a grown South African man cry and many of us have blocked out that match completely from our memory.
2004: South Africa vs Australia, Cricket World Cup semi-final. Mark Boucher facing in a rain-affected match. The complex Duckworth-Lewis system comes into effect which means that the dressing room needs to send a message to Boucher to tell him how many runs we need to win, according to the formula. The incorrect message was sent and umpire Steve Bucknor does not allow Sean Pollock onto the field to correct the message. As a result, with one ball remaining in the final over and with South Africa needing one run to win, Boucher turns down an easy single which means the match is tied and we are knocked out of the World Cup due to Australia having a better aggregate run rate in the competition (and they go on to win the World Cup).

2005/2006: South Africa tour Australia with disastrous results, losing just about everything (including a 116-run drubbing in the once-off Pro 20). The lowlight is our continued ability to drop catches at key moments in matches. Not only do we lose the test series but are also knocked out of the 3-way VB Series (Sri Lanka being the 3rd team) and return home disconsolate. Smith has a very poor tour and his captaincy is called into question by many.

March 2006: The return leg is in South Africa and after unexpectedly winning the (only) Pro 20 game, the Proteas go up 2-0 in the series which includes a brilliant victory by bowling Australia out for under 100 after posting a formidable total. Australia bounce back to win the next game and the 4th is a nail-biter seeing the visitors sneak home with one wicket to spare and almost as many balls left.

It is this context (especially our history of failing against Australia in the big matches) which sets up our “day of the impossible” at the Wanderers. This is the match which decides the series and will give the winners a huge psychological edge for the test series starting on Friday. Much more is at stake than simply who wins this match.

Technorati Tags: Australia, cricket, Herschelle Gibbs, ODI, Ricky Ponting, South Africa, Wanderers

Seguir leyendo ‘A day of the impossible’

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
I did not object to the object.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Seguir leyendo ‘Why English is so hard to learn?’